Mathematical Relationships

In computer science, a software framework provides a standard way to build and deploy applications. I figured, why not create life frameworks and try to focus on one framework every month.

July’s framework: Relationships

The Relationship “Cap”

In 2007, The University of Oxford evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar reviewed the mobile call logs of 27,000 Europeans. Dunbar found that based on the frequency of calls between individuals, people have on average 4.1 intimate relationships. The team’s findings supported an idea Dunbar had initially proposed in the early 1990s

Humans’ social networks have layers

The layers start with five intimate relationships and move outward to less intimate circles of about 15, 50, and 150. The limit is set by your capacity to invest time and mental effort.

I propose that by using frameworks, you can drastically lower the time and mental effort needed to maintain relationships, thereby grow each of the four circles.

With the necessary systems and frameworks in place one can have 10 times the number of meaningful relationships

How can a framework enable this?

First, habit creation has shown to minimize time and cognitive load and second, we can now create automatic systems to further reduce time and thought needed to maintain friendships.

My Framework

In my own framework, I created 4 groups of people, with a total of around 1000 people.

1. Family and dear friends (Up to 20 people but fluctuates between 10 and 15 mostly)
2. Close friends (Next 130 people)
3. Acquaintances (Next 350 people)
4. Fringe network (Next 500 -1000 people)

The number will shift for everyone.

One of the central questions needed to ask here is how comfortable are you with outsourcing or automating some system around friendships. Personally, I’ve found that aside form my closest 15 people, it’s beneficial to the other 985 people if I automate my relationships with them as much as possible. Notice how I said beneficial to them, especially if you automate ways to help and be a resource.

Here’s a sneak peak at my framework for doing so

Currently implemented

1. Birthdays: I have an assistant ping me whenever a friend on my 1 or 2 list has a birthday. This is a powerful way to make sure I miss as little birthdays as possible!
2. LinkedIn: For 10 minutes a day, an assistant looks through my LinkedIn and updates me with 5–10 relevant things happening in my immediate network. From here I can directly message those people with a relevant comment rather than scrolling through LinkedIn to see what’s happening in everyone’s lives.
3. Using Your Sheet: When I’m in a new city, I open my spreadsheet, search the new place I’m in, and instantly my friends nearby will pop up.
4. Be a host: On a consistent basis (by-weekly) I host a dinner, lunch or happy hour and invite people who would mesh well together. I try to pick people who aren’t familiar with one another.

Starting to Implement

1. Post cards that send to people on my list every year during random times.
2. Sending relevant articles to friends if it’s a topic they’re interested in.
3. When a friend travels to another city, intro them to another friend who is based there.
4. When a friend gets a new job, introduce them to another friend who is at a similar job in that location or a friend at that same company.

The above start to a powerful framework is all about having a high relational return on investment. I define this ratio as time in versus how good you make someone feel.

While this is just a piece of the puzzle, by building your own system around relationships, you can focus on the ones that matter most without forgetting about those you rarely see.

Here’s the template I created to keep track of all my personal relationships! Feel free to copy and create your own.